I
recently received a letter from an old friend of mine who had
suddenly disappeared many years ago. It turns out that he has
been studying ancient religions and mysticism all over the world
during the past few years.
After years of meditation and spiritual practices, he opened
his eyes one morning after a particularly deep meditation to
discover that he had been in satori for weeks and to find dozens
of other spiritual seekers sitting around him in a circle. They
immediately bowed to him en masse and introduced
themselves as his students.
Apparently, they had become so awed while watching the play
of golden colors above his head as they watched him in
meditation that they now considered him an enlightened master.
Soon his fame spread far and wide, and many were amazed at the
effortless wisdom with which he handled the problems of his
disciples. An avid group of his followers determined that the
master should share his wisdom and glory with all the peoples of
the world.
Thus, the media phenomenon of Doctor Zen (I mean Zin) was
born. The good Doctor has asked me to function as his
intermediary. His mailbox is overflowing (as well as the tongue
in his not so politically correct cheek). Here are some
questions from tortured souls along with his humble but possibly
"brilliant" answers.
Dear Doctor,
I have lost my job, my life savings, and have had to declare
bankruptcy. To make matters worse, my wife called me a deadbeat
and ran off to Madagascar with a lingerie sales clerk with money
gained from selling our children to a black market adoption
service. My psychiatrist tells me that I am depressed and has
put me on various anti-depressive medications.
However, I feel there must be a spiritual answer to these
problems. Can you help me, Dr. Ze\in?
Broke in Buffalo
Dear Broke,
Just snap out of it man!!! You don't need no stinking pills!
Of course, there is a spiritual solution to any of life's
challenges. I prefer the word challenge to problem as a problem
is really an opportunity for growth. Now you can do something
with your life that you really want to do. For example, you
could:
I would not lose any sleep about losing your life savings and
retirement either. Most convenience stores will continue to hire
older workers, especially for the graveyard shift. (Don't
forget, just give them the money; no heroics.)
Hope this helps!
Sincerely,
Z
Dear Doctor Zin,
What is the secret of life?
Siddartha
Delhi
Dear Siddhartha,
Now it wouldn't be a secret any longer if I told you, would
it? Don't ever ask me that again. As they say in alphabet
agencies (CIA, NSA, FBI, etc.), If I told you, I might have to
kill you.
Sincerely,
Z
Dear Doctor Z,
My boyfriend is into natural foods and has become obsessed
with pistachio nuts. He eats them everywhere, and usually I
don't mind. It's just that lately he's started shelling them
while we are. . .well, you know. . .mixing it up so to speak.
I wouldn't mind his eating the nuts if he would just properly
dispose of the shells, but he insists upon just throwing them
anywhere, and I, for one, am sick and tired of lying on the
them.
Also, I am becoming quite nauseated when he runs those
red-stained hands over my body. Oh, Doctor Z, I don't know what
to do. I do love Billy, and am afraid that he will leave me if I
complain.
I don't know if I can take it anymore, Doctor. Please help!
Nutty in Naples, Florida
Dear Nutty in Naples,
Since you are a female and a second-class person, you can try
talking to him in that sweet simpering tone of voice for which
your sex is famous. Tell him how you honestly feel about the
situation. (Hey maybe you could do this while ironing his
shirts.) Don't go too far of course; you don't want him to dump
you!
Try watching some movies from the '40s or '50s if you need
some cultural conditioning to help you achieve the proper
passive aggressive tone and manner. May I suggest almost any of
the Doris Day-Rock Hudson movies, such as "Lover, Come Back" or
"That Touch of Mink."
Some of the romance comics of the period offer some good
advice on how the "little woman" should deal with the dominant
sex. Try some of the old "Modern Romances." If you have trouble
locating old copies of the comics, try
Truer
Than True Romances, a modern update on the romance comics.
Yours,
Dr. Zin
Dear Zin,
I recently appeared on the "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire"
television program. I was all excited about the prospects of
winning a million dollars and international fame and fortune.
Unfortunately, I missed the first question. It was just too
hard. They actually asked me to name any two sexes of human
beings. How was I to know that BDSM and Foot Fetish not actually
the names of the sexes.
Of course, now I know that male and female were the correct
answers, but I don't know if I will ever be able to show my face
in public again since I am so humiliated.
P.S. - I also lost on Jeopardy.
Clueless in Seattle
Dear Clueless,
Don't ever again send your filth to me! After washing your
mouth out with soap, you should crawl under your bed and never
come out again!
Furthermore, don't even think about tying me up with #2
twisted fiber hemp rope to the goldplated iron rings that were
mistakenly installed by rambunctious disciples in the base
boards of my heart-shaped bed.
Believe you me, I WILL find out and suitably punish with my
new cat-o-nine tails whoever of my enemies told you about this!
Also, I will sue you into eternity if you tell that I also
lost on Jeopardy.
Exasperatedly yours,
Z
Well, that is all the advice the good Doctor sent me this
time. If his column catches on, he has promised to send me some
more of his enlightened wisdom and advice. Until that future
time, Doctor Zin has asked me to pass along to you this deep
thought which struck him one evening as he was eating his usual
box of Milk Duds:
Don't you think you would like it if it were likable.
Peace.
Copyright 2002-2003, Thomas James Martin, all rights
reserved.
HOth9MmW
